I have begun to feel so desperate lately. With no strong job prospects and being too scared to pull the self employment trigger, I feel as if I have no anchor. I feel stupid and uneducated and uninspired.
In mid-January, I rented The Secret from the library to inject a sense of hope into my soul. I'd seen it before but I consider watching it like taking mental medicine. I like believing things will happen at just the right time and that the universe is conspiring on my behalf. It’s just hard when I have been through a few interviews and any sign of a job prospect means no full time work, no health insurance, and pay that’s well below what I have tried to build up to in my career. The positive thinking goes out the window and I feel stuck not knowing where my life path will take me next. I trust I will get there but I wish I knew how.
When I got laid off, I had grand plans to use the seemingly bad news and turn it in to an opportunity to finally begin working for myself. The plan was to beef up the writing/editing side of my career and partner it with my design experience. Since DW was my dream job, it was the next obvious step in my career. It was perfect timing: I was getting married, I had health insurance, and the employment market was crap. I also knew it was now or never since once we brought kids in to the picture, I was likely to never take such a chance.
I embarrassingly admit unemployment has sidetracked this via a shot to the ego and bi-weekly payments that sedate me in to not feeling so desperate about the situation at hand. I am a little chicky bird in the nest and momma bird is going to cut me off soon from regular worm feedings. I have two options: I could jump out of the nest and fall to the ground, possibly risking paralysis at one more boring attempt to live life to it's fullest OR I could jump out of the nest, squirm, flap and fly. I need to learn how to fly. Everyone who works for themselves seems to believe it's the best thing they decided to do and they took way to long to actually do it. So I am looking for abundance here and the next step to come seamlessly, intrinsically into my existence (with some flapping of course -move over Richard Bach, it's Amy Livingston Seagull time).
Yesterday I read an article by Martha Beck on CNN that reminded me of my exploits into working with a life coach and learning to empower myself. The article compares "just in case" thinking to "just in time" thinking. Just in case thinking is more about hoarding and believing, “Everything good is scarce.” Just in time thinking is about believing, “Everything good is readily available and abundant.” It’s that same message as The Secret and, as always it’s been with me, it's about reframing. Another quote comes to mind: “Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t, you’re right!” - Henry Ford
In any case, the article presents a short exercise which can be built upon over the years. I began this morning and I have to admit, it felt pretty good to stretch my sense of hope.
1. List times you thought that there wouldn't be enough of something and you survived.
2. List areas where you have too much, not too little.
3. List wonderful things that entered your life just at the right time, with no effort on your part. Start with the little things (oxygen, sunlight, a song on the radio). You'll soon think of bigger ones and continue building and rethinking my existence into something positive and abundant.
Trust that You'll Find Exactly What You Need By Martha Beck from O, The Oprah Magazine, April 2009