My eyes are opening to so many new perspectives these days. I think it's because I’m newly married. While I hate the sentiment that "marriage changes everything" it has changed me a bit and I am trying to embrace it. The stability comforts and scares me all in one breath.
It is over: the chase and the possibilities. There are so many futures that can be lived with past lovers or potential lovers: fantastic futures involving me and some rich man who adores me; or me and some foreign man I find in a nice café off a piazza in Europe; or me alone with many lovers throughout my life who never quite fulfill me the way the relationship I have with myself fulfills me.
None of this is true anymore because I have chosen me and D. A lifetime of possibilities that include family and travel and commitment wait for us. We are getting used to a more committed love that weathers the good to come and the bad that will touch our lives. Well maybe not we but me. I think D has always been comfortable with the idea of us. I have as well but I have always been uncomfortable with the idea of commitment. It is hard: there is no where to run. Considering we've been together for seven years, I think I was just fooling myself with the concept of an easy out because since I met him, I always choose D.
I have never been definitive with choice but ultimately life is about enjoying what you have on your plate, right?! It as if you are sitting around a table with good friends and you all order entrees. It bothers me when people don’t order an entree they really want because someone else at the table has ordered it. I used to be that person. My catholic, 50s, large family upbringing taught me to spread the love and try something different so everyone at the table could get a taste. I’m all for sharing but when it comes to enjoying the meal in front of your face, you have to go with what you really want. That is the only way to truly enjoy the experience and life is too short. As I sink more into my role as wifey, it is a new flavor I am training my palette to really taste and appreciate.
Here I am with my meal: marriage served on a bed of world travel seasoned with adventure. For dessert: the possibility of kids, if I'm not too full.