Sunday, April 18, 2010

What It Takes

It has taken me a long time to get to this point.

It has taken me being knock-kneed and spongy with crooked bangs and a stuffed animal dangling from an appendage. It has taken wearing white church shoes and folded over socks with fringe that runs around the ankle. It has also taken polyester hand-me-downs, which felt forced and foreign and itchy. It has taken playing and parks and learning how to make friends. It has taken getting my feelings hurt and hurting other people’s feelings. It has taken slumber parties and hours on the phone and many class notes. It has taken being flat-chested and brace-faced and awkward in every good way. It has taken being an athlete. It has taken confidence and mental balance – loosing and rediscovering both over and over again. It has taken admiring others. It has taken aching for a different… everything. It has taken millions of wishes on stars and pennies in fountains and candles on a cake and over train tracks and clasping a turkey bone and late at night in bed looking up at the ceiling. It has taken mixed tapes and much too early curfews. It has taken lightly testing the waters of rebellion but feeling more repressed than anything else. It has taken days of just trying to make it through. It has taken long nights in my late teens and twenties. It has taken a college education and finding the space and people I needed to make those discoveries about who I really am. It has taken falling in love, getting my heart broken, and being devastated by the wake afterwards. It has taken being angry for way too long. It has taken plane flights across oceans and getting lost in countries with strange languages and beautiful art. It has taken seeing life being lived all sorts of ways. It has taken coming to terms with how I was raised and who my parents are as people. It has taken an understanding of what is hereditary and what is not. It has taken years analyzing the past and replaying how things should have/could have happened. It has taken renting my first place and getting my first real job and planting my first garden. It has taken notebooks of journal entries and repeat playing of CDs or favorite songs. It has taken learning to let go or trying to let go or letting go of not letting go. It has taken yoga. It has taken accepting my body. It has taken making friends and loosing friends and loyalty. It has taken opening my heart to love. It has taken the right guy. It has taken leaving good jobs and staying at bad jobs and having dream jobs end too quickly. It has taken realizing how much I embraced fear when I thought I was so free. It has taken the desire to change. It has taken new traditions and finding joy every day. It has taken the time to be a girl, then a teen, and now a woman. It has taken me, alone,...

...and it will take so much more.