Thursday, April 14, 2011

Head Full of Doubt, Road Full of Promise

The Avett Brothers

I admire people who own their personalities and empower those around them by their sheer presence. They are truly advocates of self and they are the minority. There is a silent devastation in not liking self. I consider it an epidemic in our society which presents itself as a constant competition of consumption and unaccountability for social ineptitude.

I've always been an introvert. Nothing rings more true to me than the reality that the only constant is my thoughts. Thoughts that, for a long time, stifled who I was because they either were not positive and open or were not weighted with self respect. I'm the first to admit these thoughts are not always consistent but they are what I am constantly surrounded by. Sure I can be alone for days, but to truly feel comfortable with my own thoughts has been a lesson in acceptance as well as retraining. I liken it to being in shape; not eating the “junkfood” of negative thoughts - my own or other's.

It is easy for me to default to focusing on my weaknesses; on why I’m never “enough”. It took me a long time to get into a head space where I respected myself enough to act like it. It's a hard line to take because it forces me to identify how I am feeling and muster some integrity, rather than skirt the issue, when conflict arises.

Conflict has always made me nervous. I’m forever worried about the outcome, the explosion, the aftermath, and perhaps the fatality of, dare I say, being known as a $%#*. That's the bitch about asserting self, you have to embrace the person you truly are to do it. It might take a minute for the taste of the reality of "you" to settle on your tongue and even if you are okay with it, not everyone will be a fan.

Then again, nothing in life is perfect. Our relationships are constant challenges and even the close ones come with an ebb that sometimes leaves us feeling lonely. It's from that vein I've decided to let myself be "enough"; to hold true to my desires and not bend to someone else’s comfort zone.

Wouldn't it be surreal if we could all be our own biggest advocates? I wonder how it would affect our interactions with others or our notions of success in life?

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