Saturday, March 29, 2014

Sissy Walk

D and M were at the reservoir and I really wanted to get out. Tricia ditched brunch and came over to walk with me on the Highline Canal. It was a gorgeous day, the kind that feels unbelievably fantastic at the beginning of Spring. Tricia pushed miss A and I manned Gingy on her leash, to the disapproval of my sissy - an advocate for bicyclists everywhere. We talked shop and we talked non-shop, it was my favorite part of the day.

I like to consider this my Vivian Maier moment...
I was inspired by discovering her that morning.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

I'm Sorry. I'm getting older.

The photos above almost shocked me out of time and place, as if an old friend was sending me shots of her kids and I felt the passage of years since we last connected. It's not completely like that but I do still catch myself waiting for life to return to how it had been. Then pulling myself back in to my new reality, so seemingly alien still and yet so much like a well-worn sweatshirt at the same time.

When I say I miss my old life, it really is an aching for youth. I'm aching for an innocence I can't regain. I'm craving the indulgence of time and the freedom to act however - wherever - whenever. I feel old even typing this but I'm not saying that I'm old; I'm saying that now it's too hard to ignore the passage of time. I see my kids grow daily - literally developing skills that will carry them through a lifetime of experiences. I see my mom's strong, able body folding after a lifetime and I find myself in the middle of it all. I'm in the thick of the human experience and yet I still feel like a young girl at times... but I'm not anymore. There are days when that pill gets caught in my throat.

Then there are moments that make the present entirely worth forfeiting the past. These moments can be planned, like an egg hunt on Easter morning, but they also arise entirely unexpected and remind me what is good and true and worth it.


Today was a beast. I had designs to go for a walk after getting blown off by a friend. It wasn't a big deal except I had already told my toddler that friends were coming over. Given that scenario, times can get tough (which is why I usually wait to tell her anyone is coming over until they are parked outside our house) and so we hit the road for some fresh air.

To be honest, I was bummed about the blow-off. I found myself waking up from a walking daze to a toddler screaming and crying for her daddy while riding her tricycle up the street. It had been three blocks of sheer torture, moving at the speed of 3, and I was using a complete and utter ignoring philosophy when it occurred to me that dogs were barking and she was probably torturing other people, inside their houses, as well. I told her she had to stop. She didn't. We made it home painfully slow in not the best light. My increasing frustration became obvious to my counterpart, who, after a nice snack, hugged me and asked in her own delightful way what was wrong? That was enough to pull me out of my mood. I explained (that I was crazy about my toddler screaming all morning, that I missed me and my old life, that I had too much time on my hands to think about things I would otherwise not even worry about, that I felt beaten today) that I was sad my friend didn't come over. I thought that was a fair lesson and good compromise for my internal monologue. The funny thing was, she already knew that's why I was sad, hence the hug, and I think she also advised, "sometimes that happens." 

I read somewhere that kids worry as much about parents as parents worry about kids. It became true to me that day. It made me realize how quickly my little M was growing up. It made me remember how our time here is so brief and, even more so, how life stages are so fleeting. Sure we carry friends in to new phases and at times we break under the burden of something, but ultimately through it all we are lucky to have the emotional connections, good or bad, for as long as they last. Those pieces weave in to our story and carry us to the next moment. 

M woke up from her nap that afternoon and said to me, "Mom, I'm sorry. I'm getting older." Anyone who knows the old girl, knows she continued into a diatribe, seemingly cognizant until I realize a few sentences later she was referencing a part of her current favorite movie and the initial thought had been derailed. I told her, "Don't apologize for getting older. It's something we all do; it's a good thing. That's how we grow and learn and love."


We do it alone and together. We do it with family and friends; happily and begrudgingly. We surprise ourselves and others. We carry on our backs the history we have created while we step in to the future with perpetual hope. There is no other way.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Take A Hike

I had little faith in my 3 year old when it came to our first hike; she barely makes it to the end of the block somedays without asking to be carried. So I put together her backpack with treats and told her we were going for a hike, fully expecting it to be 15 minutes at best. But I underestimated the power of a lollipop and some honest toddler enthusiasm. We kept course for a fair amount of time and snacked by the lake watching ducks in the pond. She was game and so was I; dare I say we might be moving in to a new phase of adventure? Guess I just jinxed it since I still have a baby to bring through two more years (at least I can accessorize her this summer).

Monday, March 17, 2014

So This Happened Today

Entirely Unedited.

Ice Skating with Old Friends

The Feiters came out for a little Spring Break escape. They snuck in late night to our new basement, our first official "house-guests". We caught up with them in the morning for breakfast, complete with the introduction of glorious cronuts in to our lives, before heading up to Keystone to ski. We met them the following day for some fun in the mountains. It's always great to sit next to a good friend and catch up and laugh.

no surprise miss M took to these two and asked to go to their house the day after this

look at this hot momma and her beautiful girl
look at this hot momma and her beautiful purse -
loved the added bonus of seeing Dahlia's bro, Tony,
for the first time since their wedding
I love this shot
I couldn't remember what Dahlia was doing until...
how could I forget TRex arm?!
so a duck walks in to a bar...
this looks pulled from some 1980s roller skate movie

dig my 80s rocker hair?! It's really just the wind.
Until we meet again...

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Rebirth of Cool

It started right about here:

I realized I was working with a highly developed sense of coolness in one little package.

This kid really brings her A-game; every day.

I will admit, not all moments are stone-cold Fonzie.

But if not, she's all, "what's the matta wit you?"

She's got her $#it together. Do you?
If not, it's no biggie, she'll ham it up and make you laugh.

Saturday, March 15, 2014


Big news round these parts is we have a basement space to enjoy now. Along with that we have a proper guest bedroom for friends now. The space was fine-tuned in time for the Feiter's visit, complete with a Downton Abbey pillow-case created by the dynamic duo of my talented friends, Ailee and Cheryl Bennett. It seems perfect for our guests. Let Battle Commence.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Rediscovering Youth

There was this great moment in M's room when she and my mom started painting together. I've posted before about how we do this with miss M but my mom stepped in to the experience uninhibited by any notion of what was to happen. 

It was strange and delightful for me to watch them together. Delightful because I knew miss M loves to paint with people and because I know how relaxing and fun it is to participate in this exercise. Strange because I don't think I've ever seen my mom paint before. As a kid, she liked to fore go any of her artistic tendencies and default talent to my dad. Though she is creative, she is more well-known for her coined phrase, "you do nice work;" as she hovered over one of us kids doing the most mundane task, such as creating a garage sale sign (as a mom now I understand and appreciate the support)

In any case, I watched her thinking she would never have done that with me as a kid. None of it would have happened in the first place: the water colors... in the bedroom, the bare feet, the ease of the moment. I can recognize now she had a million-and-one things to do: pick-up/drop-off, clean, prepare dinner, etc. and it would have been hard to slow down with six kids int he mix. She also didn't have exercise and yoga to help her find her breath and slow down in those moments (though typing it now I realize she had her faith, which is probably her exercise/yoga).

Miss M was just doing her thing and having a great time as always. But I could see the sheer enjoyment on my mom's face as I watched her in the moment. She enjoyed it very much. She said she never got to do that when she was younger and followed it with, "This is why I have grandchildren, to relive my youth."

Saturday, March 1, 2014

I Like You A Latte

We met at yoga - 8 am on a Saturday morning. We were talking before class when we got gently reprimanded and asked to take the conversation outside the studio. I shrunk in to myself like I was in trouble(like I was a child). I think she did too. Silly glances passed between us. It was awkward to face the adult asserting herself and her wants for the students in her class, it was more awkward because of her approach. We went for coffee after class and discussed it among the 101 other things we wanted to talk about. Alas, there are not enough hours in the day and this proved to be that favorite part of my day.