Sunday, February 1, 2015

I Will Wait

Mumford & Sons

I've started to practice meditation. It's not much of a practice but it has provided some space and I think that space has helped my heart to breathe again. It also calms me when I'm in a frantic race to deliver my own style of perfection.

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I made it to a hot music yoga class at Kindness Yoga this morning. It was the first time I had a chance to take a class from owner Patrick Harrington, and his dharma for the class spoke novels to me. Walking in I thought about how I cried at the last yoga class I went to a few weeks ago. I was in such a different mood this morning, with the mounds of snow and crisp blue sky directing the tone of my drive. Getting there on time and setting up to get lost in the snow-drenched branches just outside the windows seemed like a win already.

When class started Patrick began describing how his heart lead him in to a situation his mind was not ready to accept. His whole class followed suite with the concept of listening to your heart, letting it serve to provide the answers while realizing the mind provides logic. While the mind justifies, the heart knows. He invited students to commit to changing: to stretching ourselves and growing stronger; to listening to our hearts; to start today.

I've forgotten my heart. It's sad but true and that's all I kept hearing during practice. I've shoved its voice somewhere deep and shackled it down so that my head could direct my way. That's what adults do, right?

It was a tough pill to swallow this morning. It makes complete sense with how I've been living my life lately. It resonates with how crazed I feel to connect with others and at the same time, how seemingly overwhelmed I am most days at the thought of opening up to new friends.

My poor heart rarely drives my quest for answers. Sometimes it has served me well but for the most part, I'm too practical to let my heart lead. It hurt to realize this morning. I cried a lot in class again today. And I  apologized to my heart over and over.

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This was taken yesterday with miss M. It's a sculpture called "Stretch".
It was so soft to touch and she kissed the lips multiple times.
I've been craving an entry about my new year, the last of my 30s. I missed it for my birthday and couldn't commit to more than posting for my dad. Still it's been there, as writing always is, in the back of my mind.

What do I need this year: more kindness, more ease, more flexibility? Should I focusing on listening and really being present for others? Should I pursue the ability to speak my mind, even if it's with a shaky voice or a tone that is unpleasant? I need all of these things and more.

Now I know what I really needed this whole time was to reconnect to my heart; to commit to listening softly and with ease to what it has to tell me; to recognize it is so very important to "me" and that it does not exist outside of me in my kids (as so many times it feels like it does). I need to move my focus 12 inches down. I need to be gentle with myself so my heart can tell me the answers - no matter how much it may scare me. It has waited so long for me to be willing to listen. Let our partnership begin again.

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