Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Feels like Chinese; it ain't easy

I came here to check my blog. I don't know why, it's been months. It is a barren landscape and I am alien to it any more. The same is true with writing, which is always my first nature. I am here to dump my brain, find my pace again and feel the release only writing for myself will energize in me (which is to say, if I was you, I'd just skip to the nearest Deep Thought entry).

Life has been rich these past few weeks; that is a kind way of saying I'm getting my arse handed to me. I don't even know what to bring to this page, except to say that I must make a post soon or I might completely forget who I am altogether.

The girls are always a delight. I say that from my heart, because my mind wants to edit that sentence completely. One of the most fun conversations I've had recently was with my sister's friend. Nancy mentioned we both have kids the exact same ages, so in essence we were living the same life. When I asked him how that was working out for him, he said everything was perfect. I laughed; I told him me too. I continued about how awesome the mornings were. He said dinner was pretty great at his house also. I said the kids were such blessings. He said we should become friends on Facebook so I could see how fantastic their life was. I laughed; he laughed - the whole conversation was completely obscene and made perfect sense.

That's what my world has become. Social media posts help me mark the passage of time. I'm up at 5:30 everyday to keep some form of the shape I've come to love so much. I'm meditating so I don't have a heart attack while I'm running to keep in shape - sometimes I try to squeeze the meditation in while I'm walking at the beginning of my run because by 5:45, I already feel behind. I'm dropping off kiddos all to quickly to the assuming eyes of daycare teachers. I'm neurotically thinking about what I have to get done for work while I'm sitting in meetings. I'm eating at my desk and running home late. I'm playing phone tag with all sorts of friends. I'm wishing my two kids would go to sleep on time so I could pay the bills. I'm in bed by 10. Forget about talking to my hubby.

This is it. I'm not trying to complain, this is just the flow of my days (I'm not going to even get into the issue of lice or pneumonia that asserted itself last Monday at the end of a 3-day weekend for D).

While I'm in the mix of it, I find myself thinking, someday I will forget how overwhelming all of this feels. Then I look around and think, does everyone else feel the same way or am I completely incapable of running my life?

It's not all bad and I don't want to bemoan my whole experience. I just don't want to forget this moment in my life for some sick sadistic reason. I guess I want to remember the bad with the good.

So what makes me smile right now? Puppies. We stop a lot of dog owners these days mid-walk to get some canine love. Miss A has started to call out for me as "Amy". It cracks me up and I love her attempts to garner my attention any way she can. She's a mastermind and she could give a crap about anyone's agenda. She'll let you know it too. If she's not yelling, she has some scheming smile that might indicate she's taking over the world in 2016. She also has a lion's share of empathy so if anyone in the room starts crying, she's in.

Miss M is a good big sis - that's what they all ask. There was an incident with a fork to a skull tonight, but those two hug it out more than an Entourage episode. M weathers the trials a 2 year old can deliver (much better than her mom at times). She's curious about everything and wants to talk/cuddle/hold my hand. She pointed out the planets to me today on a poster and comes up with all sorts of new questions about the world at large. When she's not doing that, she sings - either really solid versions of songs she hears repeated or she makes up some pretty random stuff as well (something today about a cat dolphin). Both ways, I love every bit of it.

Golf with D the other night was pretty great. I felt like an undercover agent in a balanced lifestyle. I drank too many beers and woke up to an unforgiving Monday morning. Nothing to report about the game itself. Such is my plight. Maybe one of these days I can get back to my own deep thoughts about it all.

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